My fiance and I have completely opposite personalities, and we found that we really complimented each other well that way as a couple. He brought up marriage( in amidst a fight), and we decided it was time. We’ve been dating for 4 years. I was a little upset that he didn’t make an effort to propose, but I got over it. I’m getting married!. He is a strong ” don’t mess with me” type of guy, hates troublesome events, doesn’t believe in celebrating birthdays, Christmas, valentines etc. I am a soft spoken,”push-over” and all my friends seem to think that I’ve been treated unfairly. So I am seeking unbiased advice. I can take the blunt honesty.
Initially, when we discussed getting married, he told me to “plan everything anyway you want it”. So I go along, and hunt out my venues, and inform my bridesmaids, parents etc etc. I already had a vision in mind of what I wanted my wedding to look like. What girl doesn’t right? So I gather the venue info, ask him for his guest list, and what he thought of everything. Turns out, his idea of our wedding would be eloping. No guest list, no organizing, no hassle.
I looked into eloping, searched out a few packages, but it really isn’t what I wanted. My girlfriends wouldn’t be able to afford it, and I wouldn’t be capable to pay for them either. I wanted my family and friends to be there to celebrate the moment. That is very important to me. I want to walk down the aisle in a wedding dress – proud to take the man at the end of the aisle’s hand in marriage. He think I’m superficial and that it’s all just a show.
My wedding was not going to be glamorous and grand. I was thinking of a small casual intimate venue – less than 100 guests. The ceremony and reception would be in the same location to cut costs. There would be a casual buffet dinner following the ceremony (it’s cheaper than the plated) and a photographer/videographer, so I could look back at my special day. I was going to rent my dress, rather than buy it. I believe I was being considerate of the cost of the wedding. He initially provided me with a budget of $10,000 which is paid by us with no help from parents at all (in my culture it’s usually the groom’s side that pays for the wedding). But now he’s saying that he rather spend the $10,000 on a vacation and that we should just elope and come back and tell everyone we’re married!
I have gotten over not celebrating valentines day, and all the other occasions he “doesn’t believe in”. He thinks everything is a big marketing scam. I am a happy-go-lucky type- I like to celebrate everything I possibly can including passing my drivers exam, getting a raise at work, etc. My friends think that he’s not being fair and that I deserve to have a wedding. It IS a once in a lifetime event and doesn’t come once a year like valentines or Christmas.
I DO understand the fact that it REALLY shouldn’t matter where we get married, and the point is the commitment to each other, but at the same time I only get this ONE opportunity to throw a party to celebrate this marriage and he wants to run away from it all and elope. Am I being completely unreasonable for wanting a wedding?
You wrote “He brought up marriage (amidst a fight), and we decided it was time. We’ve been dating for 4 years. I was a little upset that he didn’t make an effort to propose, but I got over it. I’m getting married!. He is a strong ” don’t mess with me” type of guy, hates troublesome events, doesn’t believe in celebrating birthdays, Christmas, valentines etc. I am a soft spoken,”push-over” and all my friends seem to think that I’ve been treated unfairly. So I am seeking unbiased advice. I can take the blunt honesty”
I will take you at your word, and tell you that I find myself on the side of your friends. Your entire post, but specifically this quote, troubles me. I think if you were to re-read your own words, objectively, you will find that there is an unhealthy exchange in your relationship. A healthy relationship should contain “give and take” not just giving from one, and taking from the other.
Ive never been a believer in the adage that “opposites attract” I find that in 21st century relationships, you must at least start from a point of having a majority of similarities. I’m afraid you may find that the other things that (in my humble opinion) you are forcing yourself to adjust to, may/will spiral very quickly out of control. Its important to see clearly where there are disagreements within your values, and what you look forward to as a married couple. I also believe that you are a wise woman, and deep down you know that, and just need to hear it from someone else.
I urge you to seek local pre-marital counseling with a local member of the clergy, or a local healthcare provider. if money is an issue, The United Way has wonderful professionals who will be happy to help. At the very least, I would like to offer you a free copy of our on-line premarital course, if you will private message me at fatherken at bellsouth.net
Every bride deserves the wedding of her dreams, or at least one that has been mutually agreed upon by two individuals with the same goals in mind. Pray for guidance in your relationship, and a healthy, happy life.
Professional Bridal Consultant
I can only reiterate the wise counsel of Father Ken; you two need family therapy or some kind of pre-marriage counseling. Your differences are too great and sadly your willingness to dismiss your own feelings and opinions are too significant to have a balanced relationship. This is more than just “how or where to get married” this is your life together, your partnership and I fear that if you two do not work these differences out, this wedding will NOT be a once in a lifetime event. I hope you can step back and look at your relationship objectively.
Thank you so much for your valuable advice. There has definitely been a lot on my mind! To be fair…there is a lot that has gone on between us, and a lot that he has “given up” for me that I have not posted in my original post. 1)He gave up a relatively high paying job offer in another city, because I wasn’t able to move with him due to my family obligations (my mom’s widowed). 2)He gave up his hobby/habits that I complained about ( quit smoking, and his addictive video games that he would spend an entire day playing).
There has also been alot that he has asked of me that I could not do for him (eg: moving away with him etc etc) and in a way I think he feels like he’s “giving, giving, giving, and not getting anything in return as well.. which is why we are arguing over how the wedding should be. I do agree and think that we need guidance in our relationship, and advice. All my friends, including my family think he’s “over powering” me in my decisions, and manipulating me into guilt so that he will have his way- but they only hear my side of the story and not his? So they may not have the full scope..
As an update to the wedding plans.. he said he DOES want me to have my wedding, but that it was just more logical (financially) to elope. He said he was just looking out for our future together, and that he will still do the wedding my way… but to consider it a “favor” – and that he may call upon this “favor” in the future. I’m not sure how to take that comment?
Taking all that you’ve told us into consideration, this does not sound like a healthy relationship. A wedding shouldn’t be a favor that needs to be returned. In fact, there really shouldn’t be those sorts of obligations. In a loving relationship, each member should do whatever they do out of love and the pure joy it brings the loved one, without expecting anything but love in return. I have to agree with the others and suggest you get some counseling before making any lifelong commitment.
Bride Next Door
You should make it clear how you feel about a wedding and your reason for feeling that way. You both bring baggage to the wedding question, as any two couples do, and you both have formed expectations based on these past experiences. What really matters is not that your vow exchange takes one form or the other, but instead that your willingness to consider his needs is mutual. There’s nothing about eloping itself that says you’re losing yourself in another relationship, but if you elope without his having shown any interest in trying things your way, then that is a problem.
Even a true wedding-hater can sit down with an intended life partner to dissect that hatred, just to see whether enough inoffensive elements can be strung together into a celebration that pleases you both.
If he knows it all and still refuses to grant you a positive in service of his negative then you have some thinking to do.