Funny Wedding Toasts Ideas & Quotes To Make Every Guest Laugh


wedding toast quotes
photo credit: Fouquier ॐ via photopin cc

Are you getting ready to give the best man or maid of honor speech at your best friend’s wedding reception? Bravo to you! Humor is frequently a fabulous addition to any toast, and we’d go as far as saying that funny wedding toasts, when done right, can put everybody in a great mood. The key is to remember to choose something that’s relevant to your audience, reasonably age-appropriate, and not too abstract or otherwise over-the-top.

Everyone loves a really funny wedding toast, and the goal is to engage the audience and to honor the couple of the hour. It is not the time to do your stand up routine or embarrass the newlyweds! You want to make everyone chuckle, not wonder who Captain Inappropriate is.

That’s why we’ve pulled together wedding toast quotes we thought achieved both objectives perfectly.

Check out a few wedding toast quotes and speeches to inspire you and help make your toast memorable below!

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes

“Here’s to the bride – may she share everything with her husband…and that includes the housework.”

“May you live each day like your last, and live each night like your first.”

“To the groom: Early in your marriage you will find it difficult to get the last word in any discussion. With time, though, you will learn how to always get the last two words in every discussion — just make sure the words are ‘Yes dear’.”

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”—Socrates

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.”–Henry Kissinger

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”–Henry Youngman

“I’m so glad we all had a night to rehearse getting drunk for the wedding reception.”

“I hope you get so many wedding gifts that you don’t realize none are from me.”

“Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”

“Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don’t waste that night with the girls.”

“As you slide down the banister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.”

“Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.”

Funny Wedding Speech Examples

Best Man

“For those that don’t know me, [Groom] and I go back all the way to middle school. Which means we go back to a time when [Groom} looked more like Chunk from The Goonies and less like the suave man sitting before us tricking [Bride] into thinking that watching him do the Truffle Shuffle in the mirror isn’t in her near future.

[Groom] really is the best friend I could have ever asked for. Growing up, we lived across the street from each other so he was always really more convenient than anything else. The fact that there was an inground pool in his backyard didn’t hurt the relationship either.

But now we sit here [x] years later, [Groom] has grown into a wonderful man and he’s sure to be a wonderful husband to you [Bride]. As long as you can get past his infatuation with Teletubbies and the fact that he went as Tinky Wink for Halloween in the fourth grade, I think you’ll make it through anything!”

Maid Of Honor

“Good evening everyone! My name is [Maid of Honor]. For those that don’t know me, the bride and I go way back. In fact, we literally go all the way back to the sandbox. We met at the park one afternoon. She was drawn to my homemade mullet. I was drawn to the giant chocolate stain on her shirt. “That’s my kind of lady,” I thought. We’ve been best friends ever since.

[Bride] is the absolute best friend I could have ever asked for. She’s also quite the one-a-kind woman. She can burn a bowl of cereal and she refuses to use a turn signal. She thought tuna was chicken until second grade because that’s what her mom kept telling her so she’d eat a tuna salad sandwich on a snowflake roll with the family. I watched her debate it with our teacher. We were having a lesson on the ocean and the kinds of fish and mammals that live there.  I’m still impressed to this day because eventually Mr. Marshall threw up his white flag.

But look at her now. Aside from the fact that she had the “Chicken of the Sea” debate far before Jessica Simpson, she’s grown into such a stunning, intelligent and successful woman. [Groom], you’re a lucky, lucky fellow. She will devote the same love and commitment that I’ve felt from her over the years to you and that is priceless.

Congratulations [Bride] & [Groom], I wish you infinite years of happiness.”

A Few Key Wedding Toast Tips

  • When preparing your wedding toast, think about your relationship with the bride or groom. Find a quiet place to write down your history: how you met, favorite memories, what you’ve been through. You’re pretty much guaranteed to find something sweet or funny to talk about.
  • Remember to consider the bride and groom’s actual relationship. While your speech is going to mainly be about one of them, it’s still essential to talk about the new spouse.
  • Humor is always a good thing. Making people laugh helps them relax, listen to what you’re saying, and like you! If you can, begin your speech with a funny story or joke, just remember to keep it PG!
  • Be sincere! As maid of honor or best man, it can be tempting to “dig” at the happy couple, but keep in mind that this is a very special day for them. While humor is important, it shouldn’t override making the couple feel special. Keep this in mind when choosing stories!
  • Preparation is just as important as inspiration. Write down the entire thing or make notes, but no matter what, don’t wing the darn thing! That only works in movies–in real life, it can lead to disaster.
  • Keep it short and sweet. Three minutes is generally ideal, and definitely don’t go longer than five!
  • Say thanks. Thank whoever is hosting the occasion, whether it’s the parents, the couple, or someone else

Most of all, remember to relax and have a great time!