My daughter and her boyfriend are pregnant. They want to get married in a simple ceremony with just immediate family. They are due in November and don’t want to have any kind of party until they are settled sometime after the baby is born. How do we announce the wedding and do we include the fact that a baby is on the way. I have received an announcement that said both and said there would be a reception in March after the baby arrived and then they never had a reception. As they are young and starting out, I would also like her to register for gifts that they may need, is that okay? Finally should we have a baby/wedding shower for her and who should host it? So many questions!

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

Dear Dallasgal,

Announcements are sent to those who need to know, like family. These are sent after the wedding by the couple with no mention of gifts or baby. Only those not invited to the reception would receive them.

They may register for gifts for those who wish to give them a wedding gift. But, they shouldn’t request gifts or expect them, as only those attending the wedding are obligated to give one–the reception doesn’t count.

Mothers don’t host showers. Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to a wedding shower. And, it isn’t proper to combine wedding and baby showers. It appears as if the guest of honor wants many and multiple gifts–not fair to guests. Perhaps a friend would want to host a baby shower. Your daughter shouldn’t request one though.

Best wishes,

Dallasgal

Thank you for your quick reply, it was helpful. I still have so many questions, however, and I hope that you can help. I am really her step mom, her mom passed away when she was young so I want to make sure I do everything right. How do we let people know that she is pregnant? I know that I shouldn’t host a shower, however people have implied to me that I should! I know the wedding is going to be quick, so if I send out announcements and then they get invited to a baby shower, won’t that be wierd? Her father has told very few people because he is disappointed and that makes it worse. They have new jobs and are looking for a new house so they have many changes in a short period of time and want to have a party “later”. Please tell me what I should do. Wedding etiquette usually doesn’t cover this. I want it to be so happy for the couple but I don’t know, properly, what to do. Step by step, what would you do?

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

Etiquette is the same for all brides and families, no matter if the bride is pregnant or not. So, no shower, no announcing until after the wedding. Everything that I mentioned in the first reply applies. You really wouldn’t want to do anything except be supportive.

If there is a baby shower, it wouldn’t involve that many people anyway. Only those very close to your step daughter would be invited. So, there shouldn’t be any problems there.

She would tell people about her baby. Baby announcements could be mailed after the baby is born as well.

You could offer to help plan or host the reception.

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites

If this were my daughter I’d forego the announcements and showers. I just don’t believe I could reward her if I was disappointed in her behavior. Now, that doesn’t mean I love her less, love her husband less or love my grandchild less. I’d let her know that I am happy she’s marrying now that she’s pregnant and excited about being a granny but they made a choice and now must live by that choice. They can host a family party after the baby is born to celebrate his birth. If that makes me old fashioned – so be it. Honestly, I think we could use a couple of steps back in the world of what’s considered acceptable these days. The envelope keeps getting pushed further and further and further…

Good luck with all of this stepmom. You sound like a very loving other. I’m sure you’ll make a good decision with your heart.