Out-of-town MOH – Shower etiquette

Seeking some modern advice for an Out-of-Town MOH!

My bride has been well aware of my concerns in re: to being an Out-of-Town MOH. I am not always in a position to travel to assist her. I also happen to be a bridesmaid in a wedding 2 weeks after hers!

However, I’ve been present at a general bridal dress shopping trip, plus I also made time for her during Christmas to see her dress & help pick out bridesmaids dresses. I also attended her engagement party.

I’m reading on a lot of websites that I, as MOH, am supposed to host/pay for the shower. Back at her engagement party last summer, I asked my bride if there’s any additional expenses I should be aware of (on top of the usual). She mentioned something casually about her mom expecting me to help out with the shower.

I am the furthest in distance from the bride, and I understand as MOH, it is good etiquette to attend as many events as I possibly can. My bride has been really good about scheduling events in consideration of my travel (i.e. we’re having the shower & bachelorette in the same timeframe so I can avoid an extra trip home). I asked her mother if there’s anything I can do to help for the shower (if she needs something brought, like snacks, or dessert) on top of my gift.

I don’t really know how to treat it if the MOB expects me to help her pay for the shower? Everytime I travel, it costs me between $2-300. This, on top of gifts and throwing her the bachelorette, is starting to worry me. Additionally, the MOG is throwing her a shower, too.

How should I treat the issue if MOB asks me to pitch in? What is the modern etiquette for an out-of-town MOH? Please let me know.

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites

First, let’s get some clarification on hosting a bridal shower. :blink:

I’m not sure what websites you’ve been reading, perhaps they’re outdated or written by someone who is not “in the know”, but no one is obligated to host any pre-wedding parties, including bridal showers. maybe you read that bridesmaids can host showers,, but don’t have to host. Traditionally those who host showers are the bridal party/bridesmaids, but they did/do so of their own volition, offering to host. And, no family members (other than bridal party members), especially mothers, should host a shower.

I’d let the bride know (casually/gently, if you can without ruffling feathers) what you read here or send her a copy of a good etiquette book, Then, if her mother still insists on hosting this shower and she asks you to pay up, you can let her know that you’re not able to assist financially (hopefully she will get the message from her daughter that she should not be hosting this event). You can let her know that when you accepted this honor role from the bride you factored in your location and financial situation, knowing that you needed to attend a shower if one were to be hosted, but that you couldn’t, yourself, host a shower, knowing it wasn’t expected of you. If you feel comfortable, you certainly could offer to help in whatever capacity you’re capable, but please try to attend the shower if you can.

If you’d like to do a little more reading, here is a list of bridesmaids duties.

Rookie MOH

Thanks for your insight, Donna. Some websites suggest the shower is to be thrown by MOH & it is one of her duties. I understand things get tricking once someone is an out-of-towner. MOB responded to me in a very general fashion, but should I need too, I’ll let her know gently that I am unable to contribute financially.

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites

I have seen where some have suggested this as a duty, but it really isn’t so, especially these days when many brides aren’t in need of gifts to set up a home. I emphasize the word need because in “the olden days” brides went directly fro their parents’ home to their husband, having nothing of their own with which to begin a life. they would be given a dowry by the parents and token gifts from friends and family. Sigh: how far from this need are we now?

Rookie MOH

I really agree with this mentality for the ‘modern’ bride. So many are living with their future spouses before marriage, and setting up shop. I will obviously support my bride – I just hope the MOB is aware of the new decorum that seems to be prevalent.

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites,

How about anonymously sending her a wedding etiquette book. 😮

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

I agree with all this excellent advice, especially the etiquette book 😉