Should I ask my maid of honor to step down?

One of my very best friends has grown up with me and we have been friends for over 15 years. Our personalities are complete opposites so we tend to butt heads to say the least. Yesterday we got into a fight over a silly white dress to a rehearsal issue and it didn’t stop there. It blew up into this huge fight with her telling me that she is questioning the value of our friendship. After several emails that were taken the wrong way by each of us we ended the conversation. This morning I knew she would be at work so I emailed her to tell her I was sorry if I was not understanding her and for reacting in ways that hurt or offended her and agreed that our “bickering” has really hurt us both. I also told her I didn’t understand how our stupid fight led her into questioning our entire friendship. I know our timing is bad most of the time but why would she tell me she isn’t sure we can be friends 2 1/2 weeks before my wedding. When she responded to my email she told me exactly how she felt about me. She explained in full detail that she doesn’t like most of my personality traits and has been keeping this in for over a year. At the end of her email she states that she would love more than anything to find a way to patch things up. This has left me feeling hurt and confused. My wedding is 2 1/2 weeks away and she is my MOH. How can I have her stand next to me at the most important day of my life thus far knowing the way she really feels about me? Should I keep her in the wedding party or ask her to step down?

Please HELP!!

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

Dear Melsvols,

As much as I and probably everyone else here would like to help you make this decision, the bottom line is that only you can. Usually asking someone to step down is not an option unless something major happens–violence, some sort of abuse… . But, in this case, both of you are in a very dark place and the message is closer to dislike than love. This could be a legitimate reason to ask her.

Consider though, if you were to act, you lose a friend. This is something you need to ponder deeply.

Best wishes,


Thank you so much for your help. This has been such a difficult time for me this past week. I decided to speak with my MOH this weekend and ask her why she accepted my offer to be my MOH when she felt the way that she did and she said it was my fault because she said I am not easy to talk to and that I am being selfish because the timing is bad because of the wedding. She thinks the wedding should come secondary to us fixing our friendship right now and I can’t give her the attention she needs. I ultimately told her that we have grown apart and that she is not the same person I asked to be in my wedding and not the same person I grew up with. I told her that I feel that it is best that she not be in the wedding but I would still like for her to be a part of everything including the rehearsal dinner because she is still a part of my life. This morning she agreed to come to the wedding but did not feel it was her place to attend the dinner or other things involved since she is not in the bridal party. I know that I have made the right decision but I just hope that I have handled it in a way that one day down the road we still have that opportunity to be close again. Thank you so much for your advice and also giving me the warnings for whatever action I chose, it really helped me make the right decision!!


Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

This was probably the best decision as it just doesn’t seem that you could do anything right with her at this point. It sounds like you handled in very well too. Speaking to her in this way is very mature and you encouraged her to be honest. This is very positive.

Hopefully you will be able to rekindle your relationship at some point in the future.

Good luck!