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Wedding Etiquette Advice
Wedding Etiquette: Reception, Bridal Shower, Destination Weddings & More!
By Rebecca Black of Etiquette Now! Exclusively for Top Wedding Sites.
Planning a wedding can be one of the biggest events and one of the most stressful in a person’s life. During the planning process we find a boatload of wedding etiquette advice is needed. Let’s help steer that boat safely through the fog of questions with this quick look at wedding etiquette FAQ’s (frequently asked questions).
Wedding Gift Etiquette
We all love to receive gifts, but with respect to a wedding, we should try to focus on what a wedding really means. No, I don’t mean, “Gee, free stuff; the more the better.” A wedding is about the joining of two people who love each other so much that they pledge their lives to each other forever and they want to make this commitment with friends and family present. This is a profound act worthy of respect. So, let’s review a bit of wedding etiquette as it relates to the all-important wedding gift.
- Never mention gifts (gift choices or gift registry) on the invitation.
- To publicize your registry information use a wedding website or ‘word of mouth.’
- The one exception is the bridal shower invitation—list it there.
- Ask for cash gifts or gift certificates by ‘word of mouth’ and your wedding website.
- Honeymoon registries are appropriate.
- Do not use any of the gifts until after a wedding.
- All gifts, even shower gifts, must be returned if the wedding is cancelled or annulled before living together as a married couple.
- Gift giving for vow renewal or reaffirmation ceremonies are not mandatory, but is a nice gesture.
- Life style gifts are perfect for the reaffirmation, or for the encore bride.
- Certificates to a spa or a favorite restaurant
- Vacation package
- A night in a nice lodge
Click here for more information on gifts for second weddings and renewing wedding vows ceremonies.
Wedding Gift Etiquette FAQ
Q: I am trying to help throw a bridal shower for a cousin, first wedding. She already has everything she needs for the home. How do we word the invitations that money would be appreciated over gifts? They could use the money for their honeymoon as they are paying for their own wedding and it has been very expensive.
A: There is no way to politely ask a guest to give money. One option is that you can encourage your cousin to create a wedding blog that will give all of the information about her wedding. There she can include information about a honeymoon fund that guests can contribute to. There are a few organizations that can set up the fund for her. Check this wedding site for more information.
Another is to just tell people when they ask what they can give her. And finally, you could list the honeymoon registry on the invitation to the shower. It is now acceptable to list registries on shower invitations, not wedding invitations.
Q: Second Wedding Etiquette: I was wondering if it was proper to give a gift if a couple is renewing their wedding vows?
A: Absolutely! Usually, if the couple has not stated otherwise through the rumor mill, the guest would give life style gifts, such as certificates to spas, or a certificate to a favorite restaurant. Many times, guests will purchase a joint gift, such as a vacation package, or a night in a nice lodge. Often, though, many couples ask for no gifts and request donations to their favorite charity.
Q: An employee of our company and her fiancé', are planning a wedding. Each has been married previously and has homes. We (her coworkers) are confused about the proper etiquette for this affair since she is not inviting everyone in the office. She is dropping hints about where they are registered and what they will need for their "new" home, etc., etc.
Most of us would rather not attend since we do not socialize outside the office, yet we don't want to cause hard feelings. Could we all go in together on a gift and have it delivered to their home? And not attend the affair.
A: Commonly, co-workers will organize an ‘office shower’ where they could present a separate or a joint gift. The party is usually very simple with just cookies or a cake and a beverage. It is usually only 20-30 minutes in length. Don't worry about attending the wedding. Traditionally this is the only type of shower in which the guests are not guests to the wedding.
Bridal Shower Etiquette
Most sources agree that the tradition of bridal showers began in Holland where a young Dutch girl fell in love with a poor miller. The miller was poor because he shared much of what he had with the community. When the two married despite her father’s wishes, he withheld her dowry. The community responded by “showering” the bride with the necessities needed to set up a home. This was repeated by others and became a tradition, which eventually led to the end of the dowry system.
Today, we shower the couple with gifts for their new life together.
- Although it is becoming more commonplace, for most cultures here in the US it is considered impolite for close family members (mom and sis) to host a bridal shower.
- A sister may host if she is also the honor attendant.
- Never host a shower for yourself.
- Typically the mother of the bride and honor attendant (often the bridesmaids) will attend all showers, but do not have to give a gift for each one.
- Only invite those whom are invited to the wedding.
- Exception: the office shower.
- Multiple and co-ed parties are appropriate.
- It is never polite to invite the same guest to more than one shower.
- Showers are usually informal, but the sky is the limit.
- It can be held anywhere, a home, restaurant, and hotel…
- Any time is fine, however the afternoon is still the most popular.
- It could be a lunch, brunch, barbecue, pool party, cocktail party—co-ed or no.
- It is usually a surprise.
- Remarrying brides can have showers hosted for them.
Note: Do not use any of the gifts until after the wedding.
Note: Traditionally, bridal showers are a surprise and scheduled at least two weeks before the ceremony. However, with the long distance bride, the shower will have to be scheduled when she is in town for a fitting or for some other reason. This really couldn’t be a surprise, plus it may have to be scheduled days before the ceremony. Another option would be for it to be held after the honeymoon when the couple comes to visit.
Note: Traditionally, one of the bridesmaids will create a practice bow for the bride to use for the rehearsal with the bows from her shower presents. Another will keep track of all of the names and gifts of the gift givers for thank you notes.
More Bridal Shower Information Here.
Bridal Shower Etiquette FAQ
Q: My daughter is planning a wedding for September. She has been living with her boyfriend for a year. They don't need anything for their apartment, so I want to host a brunch shower at a restaurant by selling tickets. She would receive, as her gift, whatever money is left over after paying for the meals.
A: Yikes! No, and please no. Please do not host her shower. It is still viewed as in poor taste for family, especially mothers, to host their daughter's shower since it appears as a plea for gifts. Furthermore, selling tickets would not be polite. That is like asking your guests to pay for her party.
Q: I am wondering what the proper bridal shower etiquette is for destination weddings, which require that guests travel (to Mexico or an Island for example). Does the bride still have all the traditional showers, etc? Are guest expected to spend as much on a gift as if the wedding were in town? What else do I need to know about these types of destination weddings, which seem to be becoming more and more popular?
A: You are correct; destination weddings are becoming more and more popular.
The bride still has the traditional showers, and as with all showers, except workplace showers, all the guests must also be invited to the wedding. Even though all gifts are optional and should never be expected, showers are designed to 'shower' the bride with gifts. So, the proper bridal shower etiquette is that we are expected to give a gift if we attend a shower.
An important consideration for the destination wedding is that we really should mail our gifts. Please do not bring your wedding gift to the destination. One other consideration is that guests are totally responsible for their transportation and lodging for the destination wedding. This is a major consideration and could cost you thousands.
Destination Wedding Etiquette
Destination weddings have become very popular in the last few years with good reason. We tend to be very busy people with little time to prepare for a huge traditional wedding. Many destination sites will organize everything for the bride and groom leaving little to do besides to show up and get hitched. This style of wedding has great appeal, but there are some minuses to balance out some of the pluses. So, as you would with any style of wedding, please think it though thoroughly.
And because destination wedding have become so popular so quickly, etiquette rules have had to move quickly to keep up. However, we shouldn’t just throw all of these traditional rules out the cruise ship window. Some rules still apply.
- Consider your guests and their ability to pay for their travel and lodging expense.
- Look for group rates and suggest hotels for wide range of budgets.
- You may have a very small attendance.
- Mail those ‘Save the Date’ cards well in advance, so your guest can make travel arrangements.
- The bride and groom are responsible for the lodging of their attendants.
- Only send invitations to those whom you want to come to your wedding.
- You might be surprised at how many actually show up!
- Some family members may be very upset that you chose to marry away from home. As with all relationship building and maintaining, an open line of communication is key.
- Destination wedding couples can have a reception when they return.
- This will help those family members who could not attend the wedding feel as if they are a part of your celebration.
Note: Guests, please mail your gifts to the couple’s home or the home of the bride’s mother.
Note: Because guests have to travel to places they may not have visited before for the destination wedding, it would be best to suggest the dress code for their stay. Most destination weddings seem to be in warm tropical weather locations so these dress codes may be perfect.
- ‘Resort attire’ is a great example of a dress code that you might list. It means good quality summer attire that you would feel comfortable wearing to a golf club or country club. This could include good quality shorts, button and polo shirts, short skirts, sandals, and newish sneakers—no flip-flops, tank tops, t-shirts, or too much skin.
- ‘Evening resort attire’ is very similar to what we would feel comfortable wearing to a country club in the evening. Slacks and a nice shirt (jacket optional) for men and a dress or nice separates are perfect for women--no sneakers, flip-flops, t-shirts, or shorts.
- ‘Dressy casual’ is slacks with a nice top (for either gender), knee-length skirt with a quality top or a dress that you would wear to a restaurant. Shorts would be fine, but these should not be too short or cut-offs—no t-shirts or flip-flops.
- ‘Cocktail attire’ is usually the basic black dress and a suit for a man. For warmer, just think of that dress in lighter fabrics and you are on your way.
Destination Wedding Etiquette FAQ
Q: I'm getting married on a large cruise ship in the Caribbean and I'm having an attire dilemma. We would like our guests to be dressed in resort-cocktail attire—no bathing suits, jackets optional. It will be in the 80s at this time and the ceremony will be outside. Can you please suggest words which will help explain to our guests our attire expectations?
A: Your choice of dress code name sounds perfect. Resort casual is typical and would work, but the added word, cocktail, creates a picture that really describes your wishes. Country club, evening resort casual, and evening resort wear are a few other names that could be used.
Q: My fiancée and I are having a formal destination wedding in Puerto Rico, with approximately 120 guests. We are currently living outside the United States right now, but we will be returning to live there soon.
Since we cannot give our guests an address to our permanent location and we will be traveling for the wedding, we obviously cannot take gifts back with us on the plane. How do we properly write in our invites that we cannot accept gifts?
A: There really is no way to inform your guest via the invitation. It just isn't proper to write gift preferences on an invitation, because it seems as if you assume that your guests want to give you a gift. But, since they usually do the best way to get the information out is by 'word of mouth'. Make sure that everyone close to you knows your preferences.
Another idea that could help you is to choose an address of a family member here in the US as the RSVP, and return address. It will make it more difficult to keep track of your guests, but it will give your guests an address to send their gifts. The family member, or friend if you choose, may want to help you keep track of the guests and gifts anyway. Assisting in the wedding preparation and at the wedding reception makes people feel closer to the happy couple. I know I always like to help pour the champagne for the wedding toast. (Hmmm, that could be because I love it!)
Advice for Planning a Perfect Wedding
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