Why is it not OK to tell people you don’t want a gift?
I have gone through several posts and replys and I must admit that I am quite confused/troubled by the advice concerning a “no gifts, please” request. My fiance and I do not wish to receive gifts of any kind in part because many of our guests will be traveling to attend our wedding and incurring those expenses. Also, we’ve both been married before and have a fairly well-established household. It’s not to say we “have everything we need,” but we really just want them to come and enjoy our day. So here’s the thing: we’d like to say in an insert with our invitation that their presence is our gift. The advice we’ve seen says this is a no no because it presumes that a gift is expected. However, even though we neither expect nor desire a gift, EVERYONE presumes that they are supposed to bring something. And, it’s no wonder since, from most of the posts we’ve seen, people get down right angry when their guests don’t give a gift.
So, we really just want people to enjoy the day with us and not send or bring a gift, or give to charity, or anything. It seems to me that “spreading the word” through the rumor mill by telling some family and friends in the hopes that others will get wind of it doesn’t really work. People will do it anyway, some may not get the word, and it’s a bit disingenuous to say the least.
So, if it’s OK to give information about the bridal registry (if that’s not showing you expect a gift, I don’t know what is), why is it not OK to tell people you don’t want a gift because it’s somehow presumptous? Am I missing something?
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Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites, Inc®, a wedding planning guide, and Recent Mother of the Groom –
It is never “OK” to mention the bridal registry in any invitation except for the bridal shower which is a party planned so that the bride receives gifts.
I understand that your position is that it’s never “OK” to mention gifts, but the practical reality is that gifting is expected and people do provide gift registry information with the invitation with great regularity nowadays. Let me pose it this way: if as you advise, you can provide the same information through a website, can the “no gift” request be sent by mail/email separately from the invitation and be “OK”?
other etiquette experts have to say.
Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites, Inc®, a wedding planning guide, and Recent Mother of the Groom –
Just because people do this does not make it right or polite. My original response stands. Let’s see what our
Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca
Dear No Gifts,
It is refreshing to hear of someone not focused on receiving gifts. But, it is correct that this is not to be mentioned in the invitations. Gift registry information is not to be mentioned either. Yes, as you have noticed, some still do. But, this doesn’t mean that it is correct or polite. It just means that these people are socially inept.
You may include this information on your wedding website. You can also verbally tell others about this when they ask and even write it in an email if asked. But, when you place focus on not wanting gifts, this is also placing a focus on gifts, which is not supposed to be the focus of the day. And, this is not what you want.
I can only inform you of what is socially acceptable. It is not only my opinion. This is written in every etiquette book written. But, it is your choice to follow the advice.
Best wishes,
photos via SMP