I am very close with my Brother the Groom, and when he and his soon to be wife come to us (my husband and I) making plans about the wedding I assumed that they were talking about both of us being in the wedding, and I so had my heart set on it it. I loved them so much. but to make a very long story short, she did not want me in the wedding they just want my Husband. I told them how heart broken I am but she don’t seam to care. I an so upset about the whole thing that all I do is cry and now my husband don’t want to be in the wedding because he said they should have asked me before they asked him. what should we do?
Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca
Dear Rosebud,
I am sorry that you are heartbroken, but there is nothing wrong with what the bride did. And, to try to get her to change her mind is impolite. She shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for your feelings. Of course, your feelings are not trivial. I’m sure it is painful for you. But, the fact of the matter is that she should have people on her side with whom she is close. If she was to include those close to her fiance, she just might end up with dozens on her side and not have space for those close to her. She shouldn’t have an unlimited number of attendants.
It is best for all, honestly, if the focus was on the happy couple and their wedding.
I hope you are able to move past this.
Most sincerely,
Donna, Wedding Queen
Yes, I agree with Rebecca. Typically, the groom will ask the men they’re close with to be in the wedding and the bride will ask her close women friends/family. Though sometimes they might each ask sisters and brothers of the bride or groom, they don’t always. Maybe the bride just has too many close women friends and her party is already compete. unless the bride specifically asked you and then reneged, she did nothing wrong.
I wouldn’t be offended (maybe a little disappointed), and I certainly wouldn’t let that come between me and my brother or husband, or allow it to ruin the wedding for all of you. I’d just try to be as supportive as possible, letting the bride know I’m available to help if she needed me. During the planning process go ahead and let the couple know, from time to time, that you’re available and maybe even offer certain services depending on what you feel comfortable doing; maybe addressing invitations or helping out on the day of the wedding passing out programs.
I hope you and your husband find a way to attend and participate in this wedding without any hard feelings toward the couple. Please don’t cry about it anymore. :unsure:
Reader Response
See that’s just it. she did go back on her word. and even went so far as to say that she did not want me at the wedding because I told her she was the most indecisive person I have ever met in a joking way and she got a fended by it. I apologized several times but it was to late. and now the whole family is mad at her. and her mother does nothing but scream and cuss at me because I upset her little girl and I just walk away.But it’s getting hard to keep doing so I know it says forsaking all others but what happens when he turned his back on his whole family who loves him so much and the only person he has asked to do anything in the wedding is my husband, and it’s killing him because we have two son’s who have gotten upset about it to. they are 22 and 19.
I don’t know if I can do this wedding or even if I want to any more I am so hurt. you can tell my Brother could care less if my son’s or I am there all he want’s is my husband so what do you think I should do my mind and most of my heart tells me to stay home, but there is a tiny and I mean tiny part of me that saying maybe you should go for you’re Mother. But I would never go for my brother. I am just so confused!:c
Brandi Hamerstone,
Owner/Senior Wedding Planner All Events Planned
I agree with the two previous post, being disappointed is one thing but being devastated is probably a bit too much. There are so many decisions that you have to make when planning a wedding, all of them are complicated, I would just consider this a decision they made in regards to making the wedding work best for them, not a personal offense.
It would be better to hold yourself together and allow them to enjoy their big day as opposed to making this, somehow, about you. If you have a good relationship with them, just keep that relationship in mind, not the one decision they are making in regards to wedding plans.
Please try to allow everyone involved (including your husband) to enjoy this celebration and move past the decision that they made. It will be a wonderful day for everyone involved, even if you aren’t directly involved in the wedding party. You will always be family and as an important member of this family, you should be happy for them!
Joyce C Smith, MBC, Weddings Unlimited
Break with tradition. You could stand up with your brother. Many weddings I do have girls on the groom’s side and brides often have a male friend on their side.
Donna, Wedding Queen
Unfortunately, it seems the groom didn’t ask his sister to be in the wedding.
I think this may be a bigger issue than we can possibly deal with on a forum because there are more details coming out with each new post.
But, my advice, at this point, would be to follow your heart and attend if you love your brother and want to continue a relationship with him going forward. It’s hard to imagine that not attending would make that situation any better.
Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca
I agree. For some reason, this wedding has now become all about your feelings and not about the couple. Your brother shouldn’t have to choose between the two of you. It would be kind and considerate of you to support him.
Reader Response
I don’t get why you are attacking me like I have done something wrong when all I wanted was some advice on how to handle the whole thing, and you have made me look like a bitch and I am so far from it. my Brother started the whole thing and that’s just the beginning of the craziness going on with him. the whole wedding has nothing to do with my feelings. and you will not make me feel ashamed because I did get my feelings hurt. I am human and I had every right to tell him he hurt my feelings. this was so not what I was asking advice for but for at least one of you it is all you seem to care about is my feelings. and the last thing I would ever do is put my Brother in a place where he had to choose between us. and I resent you for saying that. you don’t know me like that
Donna, Wedding Queen
No one is judging you, but you asked for our advice and everyone gave you their advice and the etiquette behind it.
Yes, you’re human and we acknowledged that you have the right to your feelings, but we’re just letting you know that, as per wedding planning etiquette, there is nothing that says your brother must ask both you and your husband to be members of the wedding party. No one is looking to shame you – that would serve no purpose for any of us or for you. Again, we’re simply trying to help you salvage the situation, which has obviously gotten out of hand.
As I mentioned in my last post, there seems to be a lot more going on in this situation than we can handle in an online etiquette forum.
I do wish you all the best with this wedding and your future relationship with this couple.