If paying for dresses, tux, shower, should we stil give a wedding gift?

I was asked to be in my sister-in laws wedding. We were then told that our children (her niece & nephew) would be the flower girl and ring bearer. My Husband was asked to Dj the wedding, as we have most of the equipment and he has done this for other family weddings (but the rental of some of the equipment will still run a fair amount). At the last minute, the grooms brother dropped out of the wedding party and they asked my husband to step in. He now has the added expense of a tux. The bride took my son to the tux rental shoppe, and then submitted me the bill. I have had to pay for my own dress, my daughter, and now 2 tuxedos, I was asked to host the shower (as the maid of honours house was not big enough) I was asked to provide all the tableware, and we have all been told what to put in for the gift. No one has offered to cover any expenses for coffee, decorations, tableware and all the expenses i am incurring! The bride is now telling me where she is getting her hair and makeup done so I can take my daughter and myself that morning, and there is also the logistics of having 2 kids in the wedding party, having to go setup the Dj equipment that morning etc. She seemed upset when I suggested I would just do our makeup and hair. I know it would be frowned upon if I did not contribute to the shower gift, or provide a decent wedding gift, but we are a one income family, and this keeps getting more and more expensive. Would it be poor etiquette to give only a card at the wedding, and stating our gift to her is dj’ing the wedding? Are we responsible for all the wedding attire for flower girl, usher, flower girl etc? I want to address this without hurting feelings, but also without going broke!

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites, Inc

Most of what you are describing (other than being asked to host a shower or getting your hair and makeup done) is expected of the bridal party. If your husband offered to DJ and wanted that to be his gift he really should have told the couple that up front.

All of the attire mentioned is your responsibility.

When you were asked to do all of these “extras” you could have (maybe should have) said no.

The only thing I can think of at this point to help alleviate cost is to contact the person who asked you to host the shower (I assume that is the MOH) and ask her if she can help out with these costs. You can also ask any other members of the bridal partyif they would like to help host, but they aren;t obligated to do so and they can decline. If you are getting stuck with the shower costs I’d encourage you to host a very low keyevent, sand decorations and favors. Host at a time of day when your guests won’t expect a mean and serve cake, punch, coffee, etc.

It is still expected that you send a gift to the couple before the wedding, though how much you spend on that gift is your choice. The gift can be something small, inexpensive or handmmade. As long as it’s something you choose from thr heart the gift should be well received.

Brandi Hamerstone,

How I wish there was a better (cheaper) answer to your question but there isn’t. The previous post has the correct answer to every one of your questions. You’ve been put into a situation where you’ve offered to do things, maybe before considering their cost and are now, basically, stuck with them.
If you can bear with the idea of spending the money, try to, and try not to discuss this price issues with too many others, you wouldn’t want it to get back to the bride and have her feeling badly about how much this is costing you. She didn’t do it to you on purpose and I’m sure she would feel horribly if she thought that you were overly concerned with all the money you are having to spend.
With that being stated, I would definitely do something small for a gift and even better, if you can think of something handmade to give her, then you could save on cost but still giving her something very meaningful.

Try to enjoy the wedding, even with all the cost associated.

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

I agree with all the advice. It is unfortunate that you agreed to all of this. All of it was optional: being a bridesmaid, allowing your children to be a part of the wedding, shower, and music. Once you agree, you are obligated for the costs. But, it is definitely fine if you give a small gift and do your own hair and makeup.

Jacqueline Vazquez, Lifetime Events by Jacqueline Certified Wedding & Event Planner,

A wedding is an exciting event for many family members. This being said, sometimes we commit before thinking about the consequences. Your situation is understandable, but I agree with the advice that you are going to have to deal with the decisions and consider the options with the remaining open items. The Bride may have seemed upset, since everything else was coming through and all of a sudden you said no to something. But stay firm and let her know that you have opted to do your own hair and makeup.

Hoping you are able to enjoy the celebration, instead of thinking about the cost and the struggle to get to that point.